Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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