i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
