I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
