in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
