I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
