I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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