The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
