he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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