I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
