you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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