Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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