and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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