i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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