i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We are all done wearing pants today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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