if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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