We're like a lot better than the average bears
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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