I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
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If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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