I wish my penis had an off switch
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
