doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
