New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
