I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
