Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
