I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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