Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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