why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.