Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.