I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
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Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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