We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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