you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
