I hate your face
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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