ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
