The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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