before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
