After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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