apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
