Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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