Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
