is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
