Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
