cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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