you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
