I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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