If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
