I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
