the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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