Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
