i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
