My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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