she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
