party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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