Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
