i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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