Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
