Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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