i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
