I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
